Missing Words
by Adrian Kyle
Summary: Speculation on what we miss right before and right after Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Kirk and Spock get together.
1. Chapter 1

The five-year mission was over.

The crew of the Enterprise beamed down to Starfleet Headquarters to find that a crowd of people had gathered around the transporter pad to applaud them as they arrived. The banquets and ceremonies and speeches had seemed to drag on forever, but they too had finally come to an end.

James T. Kirk, however, remained a man on a mission.

So much had been going on that he had not had a chance to talk to the one person he wanted to talk to the most. He was not sure what Commander Spock's plans were, and he desperately needed to know.

Those smiling faces and clapping hands that had greeted the crew upon its return were mostly directed at him, he knew. Not only was he the youngest starship captain in the history of the fleet, he had also returned with the ship and crew relatively intact, which was something that few people managed. The medals Starfleet presented him with, however, were superficial. No one who had not been on the Enterprise these past five years could know just how much he had depended on Spock. They were both highly skilled individuals, but apart they would have remained relatively insignificant. Together, however, Kirk was beginning to think that they could literally do anything.

He had always felt deep affection towards his first officer, but it was not until he stated giving serious thought to his next move that he realized it would be a sin—downright illogical—to make it without Spock.

They wanted to promote him. That much was clear. Kirk was conflicted. On the one hand, he liked the way "Admiral James Tiberius Kirk" sounded. On the other hand, sitting around at Starfleet all day seemed a gray alternative to racing around the galaxy with Spock on the Enterprise.

Kirk glanced at the clock on the wall. He had invited Spock to come over at 19:00 hours, and he knew he could count on the Vulcan to be on time.

However, the clock read 17:06. Kirk started pacing. He had already spent at least an hour straightening up the rooms he was quartering in temporarily, making sure that they looked neat—but not too neat. He had showered for longer than usual and spent an inordinate amount of time getting dressed before he realized that this was going to be different from anything he had ever experienced. He had been in similar situations—he had (quite successfully) impressed many girls back home in Iowa, and this had not stopped when he joined Starfleet. As the year passed, a few men had slipped into the ranks as well, but the act was always the same. Kirk had fancied himself to be in love with some of them. Most of the time, though, all he wanted to do was seduce his partner.

Spock was not only a different species than any of Kirk's previous companions, he also meant more. Kirk knew that Spock was unlikely to be impressed by fancy clothing or smooth talk.

Kirk was still nervous. He decided that the best thing to do would be to take a walk.

He left Starfleet Headquarters and walked over to a nearby park. There he sat. No matter how hard he tried to stop them, his thoughts turned immediately to Spock.

There had definitely been a mutual attraction between the two of them for a long time. It had started sometime in between moves during one of their weekly games of chess and progressed from there. They flirted, teased, and eyed one another. Spock seemed to act differently around Kirk than he did around anyone else, and Kirk _knew_ that he never looked at or talked to anyone else the way he looked at and talked to Spock. There was just something about him that made Kirk's stomach flip over violently.

Kirk shivered, then looked around to make sure that no one had seen. He recalled a conversation that he'd had with McCoy a few months into the five-year mission.

"Jim," he had asked, "what are you doing?"

"What do you mean?" asked Kirk, genuinely perplexed. At the same time, however, he wondered—had he been too obvious? That seemed unlikely.

Apparently he had. "Jim, you are the _captain_. Now, I know that I spend more time around you and Spock than most people on this ship. So naturally, I notice more of your little games. That's why I didn't say anything before. But they're starting to talk, man!"

"Who is starting to talk?"

"They crew, everyone at Starbase Five when we were there last week…"

"Say what you mean, Bones."

"You need to lay off Spock."

The words hit Kirk like cold water. "Do you mean to tell me that someone has been spreading rumors about me and Spock?"

"Are they really just rumors, Jim?"

Kirk thought about this. No, he and Spock were far from being in any kind of relationship. They had barely ever come into physical contact, something that Kirk was admittedly trying very hard to fix. "Come on, Bones," he said, "Don't be absurd. If I paid attention to everything everyone said about me, I wouldn't have become the captain of the Enterprise. People like to talk. Now excuse me…"

But Bones was talking again. "Now, I know that every man and woman on this starship is entitled to have relationships with whomever they like, whenever they like. But it's damned unprofessional for you to be up there on the bridge all the time making important decisions while flirting with your first officer! You're the captain, and standards are different for you. Come to think of it, standards are different for him, too! He needs to be able to keep face with the crew as well. I know I'm just the doctor, and I can't order you to so anything. But I'm also your friend, Jim, and I've got to tell you—this thing is getting out of control!"

Kirk, who had tried unsuccessfully to interrupt McCoy several times during his speech, looked at the doctor. "What's your advice, Bones?"

"Stop. And if you really can't keep your pants on, which really seems unlikely, have him transferred. I know it's drastic, but things are only going to get worse from here."

There was an awkward pause in which both men looked at the floor.

"What's the big idea, anyway?" McCoy asked abruptly, "I'm sure I don't need to tell you any of this. You know what you should and shouldn't do on the bridge. Why are you acting like you don't?"

Kirk said he didn't know. "I can't have him transferred, Bones," he added, "That wouldn't be fair to the crew. It's my job to bring them home alive, and I need Spock to help me do that."

McCoy nodded, looking troubled.

Over the years, the doctor grew to accept that Kirk and Spock were both going to remain on the bridge of the Enterprise, and that trying to keep them from staring goggle-eyed at each other was like trying to keep Scotty out of the engine room for more than a couple of hours. It was natural, and countless lives were saved as a result of the bond the two had developed. It was, as they say, destiny. For once in his life, McCoy had been beaten by the mysterious logic of the human body.

Spock was due in Kirk's apartment in an hour. Kirk went back to start cooking.

As he had predicted, Spock arrived at precisely seven o'clock. Their dinner, while excellent, was nearly silent except for the clink of forks. Kirk had decided that music would be too much of a cliché, so he fought to make small talk to drown out the buzz of the all-too-meaningful silence. Kirk knew that Spock hated small talk, and Spock knew that Kirk knew that. Spock must have figured out by now that he was here for a reason, and for the first time Kirk felt slightly apprehensive in his presence.

It had taken Kirk a matter of weeks to begin to suspect that his attraction for Spock was mutual, but it took him much longer to be sure. Every time Spock spurned the advances of a girl he inwardly cheered. However, this was the Vulcan way. It was not until he had seen Spock experience ponn farr that he was sure about how Spock felt about him.

Spock had seemed pained the entire time, but never so much as when he was around Kirk. Kirk had seen his friend's body start to tremble as he approached him, and wondered if…but no, that couldn't be.

It wasn't until Spock revealed the nature of his condition that Kirk realized that yes, in fact, it _could_ be. He laughed when he realized why Spock had looked precisely the way he had when Kirk has asked if what Spock needed was "something only your planet could do for you." The irony of the situation was, in retrospect, almost disgusting.

Still, years had passed. Spock was not the type to change his mind about a person, but he was the type to deny himself something he saw to be "illogical."

Dinner was over. Kirk took the plates into the kitchen. "That was very good," said Spock.

The two sat down in the living room. "Spock, there's something I need to talk to you about," Kirk said.

Something in his words made Spock stiffen ever so slightly in the armchair he was sitting on. Kirk had sat on the sofa, hoping in vain that Spock would choose to join him there. Spock's chosen seat, however, was halfway across the room. This, combined with Spock's almost imperceptible reaction to Kirk's words, did not bode well.

"I suspected as much when you invited me over tonight, Captain."

Captain. He had called Kirk "Captain." Not Jim. Had Kirk been any less brave (or any less stupid and impulsive, as he later came to think), he would have dropped the subject right then and there. As it was, he was Starship Captain James T. Kirk, and he had had at least two full glasses of wine with dinner as well as a few swallows of his favorite Saurian brandy before Spock's arrival. He abandoned the lines he had practiced nervously in front of the mirror earlier.

Kirk slid from the couch and sat on the coffee table directly in front of Spock. He leaned forwards a little. "What's the point in talking about something we already know all about and agree on?"

Spock's face remained impassive. "If that is the nature of the topic we are here to discuss, I submit that it is pointless for us to be here at all."

Typical evasive Spock. Kirk loved it.

Kirk took a deep breath. "Spock…"

He tried to finish, but the last three words just wouldn't come.

"Spock," he tried again, "you once told me to let you help." ***

"Jim…" started Spock, who had clearly abandoned any pretense of ignorance as to the point of their meeting. His hands twitched. Emboldened by the sound of his first name, Kirk stood up, took Spock's face in his hands, leaned forwards and kissed him.

For a moment, everything seemed to stand still. Spock broke away. The look in Spock's eyes sent a wave of happiness through Kirk. He was victorious.

All of a sudden, they had both started breathing again. For a brief moment, Kirk felt as though electricity was shooting up his arms as Spock reached up to touch Kirk's hands, but then Spock pushed them from where they had come to rest on his shoulders. He stood up and started walking towards the door. Spock paused just before exiting, then continued out. Faintly, Kirk heard him mutter something about still not being able to understand humans.

Kirk felt as though he could not move. He stayed in the position that Spock had left him sitting in for almost an hour.

* * *

***In The City on the Edge of Forever, we learn that some dude wrote a book in the future-for-us-past-for-Kirk-and-Spock in which he advocated using "let me help" as an expression of devotion, even over "I love you."

Spock says this to Kirk in the very next episode.


	2. Chapter 2

**PLEASE NOTE:** This chapter includes one of my pet theories about Vulcans. I'm probably talking out of my ass, but it would certainly be interesting if it was true. I have a lengthy footnote explaining it at the bottom, if you're interested.

Oh. And I know unignorably is not a word. But it should be.

* * *

Spock walked stiffly out of Kirk's apartment and did not stop moving until he arrived at his own quarters. He sat down as soon as he entered the room and prepared to meditate, which he often did when he needed to think.

He needed to eliminate emotion in order to think about this objectively. This had never required more effort.

"Control," he muttered through clenched teeth. "Emotions do not help. Illogical."

It was a testament to his powers of concentration that he managed at all.

As a matter of fact, Spock had been putting off thinking too hard about Jim. He had resolved to eliminate his feelings about the captain exactly 1,241 times during the five-year mission, but had always found it impossible to do when Jim _smiled_ at him the way he did. It was almost as if Kirk knew what he had sworn to do and was deliberately making him break his promise to himself.

But that was illogical. The captain had no way of knowing Spock's thoughts. Spock needed to do away with that kind of thinking.

Vulcan culture did not allow for homosexual relationships. On the one hand, Vulcans acknowledged the strength of the bond that sometimes occurred between two best friends. They even celebrated this closeness, this sharing of minds. But most Vulcans saw displaying this closeness physically as totally illogical. It was something that had been left behind with emotion. During ponn farr, it only mattered that the Vulcan in question had sex with their bondmate. The nature of your bondmate's anatomy did not factor in to the equation. To Vulcans, sex only really mattered during ponn farr. Yes, Vulcans had sex at other times, but they didn't need to. The impulse could easily be—and often was—controlled.

Vulcans had eliminated the concept of homosexuality from their culture so long ago that there wasn't even a word for it in the Vulcan language. Spock knew that this part of himself came from his human half, and this just made him resent his sapien blood even more.***

He had never been interested in women. He had almost tried to be (a most un-Vulcan thing to do), but in the end he had just decided to completely lock away that part of himself.

The only times he had ever felt legitimately interested in a girl, he had been drugged or under some outside influence. Unfortunately, the drug in question had come with some side effects. Ones he could not deal with.

Like utterly nonsensical urges to climb trees.

And then Jim had been there. Spock had never had to abandon his dignity for Jim.

Spock quickly discovered that it was impossible for him to completely lock away his sexual side when he went through his first ponn farr. This had happened to him so late in life that he had hoped, vainly, that it would not happen at all. However, even when he did go through it, it was not T'Pring, his future mate, who he was attracted to.

_Focus_, he thought to himself. _Do not think of the past. Find a solution to the problem at hand._

The way he saw it, Spock could not continue to be near Kirk. Jim had always forced more emotion out of Spock than Spock had thought possible. That was inappropriate and had to end.

When they were on the five-year mission, Jim had always managed to keep a professional distance…most of the time. However, now that he had moved beyond innuendo and made it unignorably, abjectly clear how he felt about Spock, Spock was sure that they could never regain the rapport of the five-year mission. This night would come too strongly to mind.

Spock had to get away from Jim.

He had to stop calling him Jim, too. The name itself elicited an emotional response.

_What are you going to call him?_ interjected a sarcastic voice in Spock's head, _What else would be accurate?_ _T'hy'la?_

Even the voices in Spock's head had a tendency to be precise. Once Spock realized that that was exactly what Kirk was to him, the word refused to go away. _T'hy'lat'hy'lat'hy'la…_

Spock banged his fist on a nearby table. It creaked ominously, threatening to break.

That settled it. Spock had to get out, and fast. He could not conquer these feelings with the methods available to him at the present. There was only one way to regain that inner peace he had in his early days in Starfleet. Those were beautiful days—he had finally found somewhere he belonged, where he was respected.

Then he had met Kirk, and everything had changed.

There was only one solution, he decided. Only one good one, at any rate.

Kolinahr.

Spock packed, submitted his resignation, and left that night.

* * *

*** Not sure what to think about this. It's a pet theory that I have, that there are no gay Vulcans. It would be logical. Not all species even have homosexuality, and Vulcans are a different species than humans. I played with the idea of it being biologically impossible—I might go back and change it at some point. I've always thought that Vulcan culture was conservative in some ways. They have their traditions and their rituals, and they stick with them. What's more, homosexuality is somewhat illogical, seeing as homosexual couples cannot produce offspring (Although gay penguins have been know to care for the orphaned offspring of other penguin couples, sharing the responsibility the way the chick's biological parents would have. One could argue that homosexuality makes biological sense for this reason.).

I have textual basis for these claims. It's all from the novelization of Star Trek: The Motion Picture, which was written by Gene Roddenberry himself. On the one hand, you have this:

"But it still felt painful to be reminded so powerfully and unexpectedly of [Kirk's] friendship and affection for Spock—theirs had been the touching of two minds which the old poets of Spock's home planet had proclaimed as superior even to the wild physical love which affected Vulcans every seventh year during ponn farr."

Now to me, that sounds very ancient Greek—the whole "spiritual love between two men" ideal is similar. Thing is, those Greek guys had a lot of sex, too. It wouldn't be the first ancient Greek parallel that Roddenberry pulled with Kirk and Spock, either…

ON THE OTHER HAND, you also have this:

"It was only through kolinahr that [Spock] could once and for all time unburden himself of his human half, which he believed to be responsible for his pain."

WHAT PAIN, SPOCK??? If you're going by my "pain because he loves Kirk but can't deal with the emotional implications" theory, then yeah, associating his gayness with his human side indicates that homosexuality is not really a Vulcan thing.

Incidentally, I think that Kirk is clearly bisexual (he seems to have had meaningful relationships with people of both genders), but Spock…not so much. He always has to be drugged or in some way not himself. Then there was that one time with the Romulan chick when he was _under the captain's orders_. Because he'd do anything for Kirk.

My point? Spock's just straight-up gay (no pun intended). Would like to find some more evidence for this.


	3. Chapter 3

Without Spock, Kirk had seen little point in refusing the promotion to Admiral. He was sure his Vulcan friend would agree that it was the logical choice for strong leaders to seek major leadership roles.

He had not seen Spock in months, and yet he still thought about what Spock would say if he were there all the time. The Vulcan was never far from Kirk's mind.

McCoy told him that this was unhealthy; that he should try to forgive and get over Spock, find someone else. Kirk had done just that, but he felt utterly unfulfilled.

He told himself that he had been wrong about Spock. In the Vulcan's absence, he could almost convince himself that he had never loved him, and that what he was missing was the Enterprise. He would get over that eventually, too. He would be turning forty in a few years. Maybe it was getting to be time to settle down a little. There was nothing wrong with that.

***

Two years later, Kirk still wasn't over _something_.

Now, earth was in trouble. They were sending out the Enterprise with Scotty, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Chapel, even Rand…and not Kirk.

_Or Spock_, he reminded himself, before wishing he hadn't.

No, they were going to send her out with that kid, Decker.

At least, that's what _they_ thought.

If Kirk had his way, they would soon be disillusioned. Spock or no Spock, it had been a mistake to leave the Enterprise. Kirk couldn't get Spock back, but he was damned if that ship was going to get away from him as well.

* * *

RAND. This is the first and last time she will ever be mentioned.

Clarification: I think McCoy would have been annoyed at Kirk and Spock at first, but he would have come to accept that Kirk and Spock were in love. I hope I didn't make him look like a homophobic ass. I love McCoy. HE KNOWS.

Another clarification: I don't think that Vulcans would discriminate against homosexuals, but I do think they would probably chalk it up as another one of those illogical human tendencies and behave accordingly. Spock doesn't discriminate against the emotional crew of the Enterprise, but he does point out their flaws and act superior. It would be the same kind of thing.

It is true that there are probably more holes in my Vulcans-aren't-gay theory than there is cohesion (kingdomhearts222—I did also consider the implications of T'hy'la), but it's an interesting idea nonetheless.


	4. Chapter 4

(This takes place after they got back from the V'Ger mission)

* * *

Spock had asked Kirk to join him in his quarters.

_Spock_ had asked _Kirk_…Spock had been different since his mind meld with V'Ger, but even so Kirk hardly dared to hope.

***

Spock's mind meld with V'Ger had been enlightening, to say the least. V'Ger, a perfectly logical being, was somehow very different from what Spock had been striving for all these years. It had none of the respect for life forms that Spock had always fervently held on to. Spock had always found the human tendency to react more strongly to the death of one than to the death of a thousand appalling. V'Ger, however, simply did not recognize the difference between life and death. It had no motivation to do anything. From a perfectly logical perspective, Spock supposed, nothing _really_ matters. The universe does not care if we live or die. Thus, a perfectly logical being would not either, nor would it understand why it should.

Spock cared.

His first encounter with Jim had been, after more than two years of separation, hard to remain composed during. It made Spock was sure of one thing, however—he cared. Very much. He had heard the hurt in Jim's voice when Spock ignored his greetings, and it had torn him up inside. Perhaps this had been the "something more" he had been looking for all along.

After so many years of denial, Spock was about to be honest with himself and, more importantly, Jim. He had seen the urgency in Kirk's face, heard it in his voice in the sickbay. Spock had tried to make it clear in that moment exactly what he had been feeling, but logically it was still important to confirm things. Spock was not shameless enough to allow himself to do so in front of McCoy. He would have been so smug. The man had known all along, and wasn't ever going to let either Kirk or Spock forget it. What's more, he was not heartless enough to declare his love for Jim in front of Chapel. Poor woman. She did everything except choose who to fall in love with so intelligently.

It is illogical to think in absolutes when one can think freely. The more options, the wider the perspective, the better. If he had been human, Spock would have said "Screw those damn Vulcans."

If he was human, that was.

Kirk knocked on Spock's door five minutes early.

Spock composed himself. "Enter."

***

Kirk had forgiven Spock the moment Spock had appeared on the bridge. He hadn't intended to; it had just happened. He always had a hard time dealing with it when the Vulcan snuck up on him like that, but after so long…if the rest of the bridge crew hadn't been too shocked to notice their captain's reaction, Kirk would have been utterly embarrassed.

His mouth had fallen open. He had rushed forwards. He had _gawked_.

Kirk banished the memory. Only one thing mattered right now.

He knocked. He was five minutes early, he noted. He hadn't wanted to wait. He suspected, however, that if he was right about the nature of the reunion he was about to experience, Spock wouldn't mind.

***

Kirk walked into Spock's quarters.

Spock stood up.

Kirk opened his mouth slightly but could say nothing through the lump in his throat.

Spock stepped forwards. "I believe," he said, "that I owe you an apology. I'm sorry, Jim."

Kirk managed to speak. "Apology accepted."

"Now," said Spock, "in…conventional Earth terms, I believe the equivalent of the question I would like to pose is 'Will you marry me?'"

Kirk walked forwards and placed his and Spock's hands together in a Vulcan kiss. He looked up into Spock's face.

The two stayed there for a moment or two, simply looking at each other. Then, Kirk grabbed Spock by the front of his shirt and pushed him back into the sofa as he had wanted to do so many years ago in _his_ quarters. He climbed into Spock's lap and started kissing him.

Spock broke away for a moment, but this time he did not remove Kirk's body from his—rather, he held him tighter. "Jim," he said, his expression deadpan but his eyes twinkling, "you haven't answered my question."

Kirk laughed. "Of course I'll marry you. I would die for you. I would kill for you. I would steal for you. I would blow up the Enterprise for you…"

"That won't be necessary, Admiral," said Spock.

"Understood, Mr. Spock," said Kirk.

* * *

Every time you post something on the internet you lose a little bit of your soul. By the way.


End file.
